I'm not sure if I'm sad or happy its just this heaviness that I've carried with me the entire day. I've been thinking about a lot of things and a lot has been coming up. I'll just start by writing what I feel right now...I feel sad about Eddy he still hasnt writen I'm trying to convince myself that hes just really busy with bootcamp and still hasnt been able to write. But I also think that he might not write...he might not come back. That makes me sad because I dont want to lose that beautiful friendship that we have. I'm really sad that I cant show him or tell him how much I have changed. I know he left worried about me and stuff...I dont know...I want him to do whats best for him whats going to make him happy but I also want to know that hes okay and that he still has a place in his heart for me. Oh I'm such a crybaby...I've been busy and have not given stuff much thought until today when I went to Santa Cruz...I was at the board walk I had a lot of time alone and I was really overwhelmed by everything. And for the first time in a while I felt really sad. Being sad scares me because that led me to that horrible depression that made me do a lot of stupid things. I love being at Santa Cruz its great there just not this day. On my way back home I prayed to God that he would take all that pain and heaviness away and I started remembering all the great stuff that He has done for me...I began to think back on something that a very special person on LJ told I remembered how important I am to God. That brought tears to my eyes and repentance to my heart. I broke down before Him but maybe not as much as I am rite now. I asked for His forgiveness and asked him to fortify me so I could complete my purpose so I could serve him with honor and not with shame. I dont know what I would do...I dont know how I could live  if God was not helping me. He amazes me more and more each day.
(I had other stuff writen here but I erased it on accident..Its not very important I will probably write it in another entry.)
At S.C today I saw many couples my sister and her BF among them. I wanted that, I wanted someone there with me sharing every moment and feeling perfect. I felt cheated out of something, like I wasnt ever going to have that. I felt lonely and deprived. Strange but that simple thought kept growing..so much that it kicked my new self esteem on a scale from one to 10  to a negative 10. While I prayed in the car God spoke to me...He reminded me that he wanted only the best for me and when my husband comes and he would be exactly what I need. It doesnt stop there...the reasons I wanted someone at that time was so I could care for him, love him, understand him, and so he could do the same for me. I can be so blind...I have that person already I have it all but I forget to acknowledge His existance...God is here for that exactly and I ignored it. Funny and I guess kind of Ironic but the song I've been practicing with the band has to do exactly with all those feelings. Having God and still searching for something else..being complete and refusing to accept it, Each time hurting oneself more each day just because we ignore the love which he gives us. In the end we all must run back to him and it is his word which guides us and fullfills those things which we search for...Unfortunatly the song portrayes exactly what I have done...I search everywhere else first and run to Him last. "When it's the same old word giving me the spark." I know the answear and its must be so obvious but I "curl up in the dark" I run to that last. I've learned a good lesson today which I hope to keep fresh in my spirit. I've actualy learned several lessons...yay.

All Of Us Lyrics
by Blindside

As soon as you stepped through my door,
I saw You for the first time all over again.
And time well spent seems
Lonelier than the way it used to go.

As I smell you for the first time all over again
I'll begin to remember to be alive
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
'Cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

I've felt a loss for some time
I slipped, stumbled, but fell face first
straight into your hand.
Then I hit my head on your palm
And waking up to the smell
Of tears drying up in the sand

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.

I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I just ...

All of us are searching for an open arm
Well, it's a shame how I pull myself apart.
When it's the same words making me run for cover to
your heart.

(All of us are searching for an open arm)
When it's the same words making me run for cover to
your heart.
(All of us are searching for an open arm)
(All of us are searching for an open arm)
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I want to thank you so much God for being there for me and providing everything that I need. Thank you for being my comfort and strength, for revealing all of this to me. Not only will this be useful when I sing the song...in understanding it and feeling it, but also as a life lesson.
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I'm going to type up another entry in a while to write a little bit more about the rest of my week.

current mood: calm